The Importance of Anger for Women and Femmes
Women and femmes are often socialized from a young age not to express anger, or even to avoid feeling it altogether. This socialization is subtle and pervasive, and it shows up in family dynamics, media, education, and broader cultural norms. This is especially true for women of color who are further stereotyped and face racism if they are too expressive or angry. As an NYC somatic and trauma therapist, I see how the suppression of anger can turn into burnout, depression, and chronic pain, as well as our nervous system getting stuck in the fight-flight-freeze cycle.
I often tell clients that anger is healthy, especially when it's coupled with trauma because rage is mobilizing energy that wants to move out and free up space for the body to be more flexible, adaptive, and free of pain.
In this article, I'll discuss the impact of emotional repression on the body and healthy strategies for connecting with anger (and other intense emotions).
How femmes are socialized to suppress anger
Rewarding compliance and “niceness” while punishing "negative" emotional expression
Girls are often praised for being “sweet,” “polite,” “good,” or “easygoing.”
Assertiveness or directness is sometimes labeled as “bossy” or “rude.”
When girls do express anger, adults may respond with disapproval, withdrawal, or discipline.
In contrast, boys may be more allowed—even expected—to express anger as a sign of strength or independence.
🔁 Message internalized: "Anger is "unladylike" or dangerous and being angry makes me unlikable."
Conflict-Avoidance Conditioning
Women and femmes are often taught to prioritize harmony, even at their own expense.
They may learn to downplay their needs, apologize too often, or internalize blame.
🔁 Message internalized: Keep others comfortable, even if it means silencing your thoughts.
Gendered Expectations in Leadership
In professional settings, women and femmes who express anger may be labeled as "too emotional", while men may be seen as assertive or passionate about the same behavior.
As a result, women often suppress anger to avoid backlash or being taken less seriously.
🔁 Message internalized: Powerful emotions are a liability if you’re a woman.
Cultural and Intersectional Pressures
In many cultures, women of color, LGBTQ+ women, or women with disabilities face even stricter social expectations around emotional control.
Their anger is often viewed through racist, sexist, or ableist lenses.
Health consequences
Mental health
Repressed anger can lead to internalized blame, helplessness, and despair, which are classic components of depression.
Instead of saying “I’m angry,” women may say “I’m tired,” “I’m overwhelmed,” or “Something’s wrong with me.” Additionally, The nervous system stays on alert because the underlying issue hasn’t been addressed, creating chronic anxiety or a sense of unease.
Women and femmes may become hyper-vigilant about others’ emotions, avoiding conflict at all costs. Not allowing yourself to express your feelings also teaches your nervous system that you are not allowed to feel or take up space, this leads to low self-esteem and feeling powerlessness.
Physical health
When anger, grief, or trauma is suppressed, the body stays in a state of chronic stress (sympathetic nervous system overactivation).
Over time, this dysregulation affects the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis and immune function.
The body often stores repressed emotions in muscles, fascia, and joints.This can manifest back pain, jaw tension (TMJ), migranes, and fibromyalgia like symptoms. Additionally, “body armoring”—when the body braces itself against what it feels but isn’t allowed to express.
Somatic exercises for anger release
When I see clients who suppress anger or scary emotions chronically, feeling anger can be quite a challenge because the nervous system knows how to mute the sensation so it's not easily detected. When anger isn't safe to feel our bodies know how to hide it.
Anger is physical energy. If it stays in your body, it turns into tension, pain, or illness.
When you are feeling anger, or even tension and frustration, ask where you notice it in the body. It can start with the chest or maybe the balls of the hands. Once you notice that energy, you can imagine a color associated with it, often anger is coupled with tightness or heat. Imagine the energy (color) moving from the part of your body that experiences it and image it traveling towards your hands, out of it. You can be squeezing or punching a pillow and imagine the color moving out your hands and through your pillow. You can also use a towel and ring the anger out. Since anger is a mobilizing energy, its job is to be released, this is why anger can come in the forms of physical behaviors, the behaviors are not inherently negative as long as there is no harm being caused. A color can be helpful for capturing an image to bring forward sensations, for those that are discconected to their bodies it may be hard to just notice physical sensations.
Additionally, you can practice tense-and release exercises, putting a color to the tension, as you tense your muscles imagine the color itensifying and as you release image the color and energy dispersing. If stillness does not feel helpful, movement, such as jumping, shaking and stomping as you imagine the color moving out can be helpful.
During these exercises remember to pay attention to your breathing, we often loose connection to full breaths when we are activated in tension or anger, breathing is necessary for things to move internally.
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